Day 1

My mom has a baby picture of me in a ruffly pink outfit where I swear I can see three tubby little chins.

I never grew out of that baby fat. I've had body image issues and self esteem problems since elemetary school. I remember a specific time in middle school on the first day of Spanish class when we were picking Hispanic names to use in the classroom and a boy suggested I call myself Aida, like 'I-eat-a' lot.

Almost two months ago now, I married one of my best friends. During the months leading up to our wedding I was really motivated to slim down. Not to fit into my dress, since I actually bought it to fit me at the time, but with the plan to have to take it in. I worked my butt off at the gym for about an hour a day in the mornings. At the beginning I was going six days a week and as time went on it was generally only four or five. I tried to eat healthier, and when I didn't have any really healthy options, I forced myself to cut the portion. With all this, I was making successful, albeit agonzingly slow, progress.

What really jumpstarted my weightloss then was when I got a second job. Even though Hubby and I both have bachelor's degrees, we're both in part-time jobs. At that time we were living in his parents' house to save money for when we could get out on our own. I decided to pull double duty and get a second part-time job.  I was getting out of one job at 3:30 and going in to the second job at 4. I was always standing and I barely had time to eat. During that time I think I lost nine pounds in about a week and a half.

Our wedding came and I felt better about myself. I was not as small as I want to be eventually, but I was around twenty-five pounds lighter and I really enjoyed myself. It was the best party I've ever been to!

Now, as married life eases in and I don't have a deadline anymore, I've loosened in my resolve to get healthier. Especially because Hubs and I are finally in our own place, and he is far from help. Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy. I think I've only washed dishes three times since we've been together. He doesn't get grossed out if I go a little too long between shaving my legs. And for reasons that I still have yet to understand, he loves me.

But as a diet partner, he sucks.

We started our relationship as friends in college. Two A.M. deliveries from pizza places after a party was routine for a while. And he has a passionate distate for anything that is supposedly healthy.

The worst part is, he's not fat. You know, due to the fact that he's a guy and considerably taller than I am.

The other night we were in a weird mood and we decided that we really had to grocery shopping. It was a terrible idea. Among other things, this is what we bought:
-chocolate eclair ice cream bars (for me)
-chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream (for him)
-three different types of cookies (or four, if you count two separate flavors of one cookie)
-assorted candies, both chocolate and gummy
-and buttered popcorn

And I sat on the couch munching, watching one of my favorite shows: The Biggest Loser.

Yes, I'm a hypocrite.

As I watch the contestants sweat and cry and work through their own issues, I'm mindlessly shoveling chips into my mouth.

And the saddest part is, that wasn't my wake-up call. The other day I was poking around on Facebook and I saw that a friend of a friend that I sort of knew in college just got married too. And guess what, she wore the same dress as I did. And I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say she's probably a size zero.

And now I'll admit what I haven't said out loud to anybody (does this count?).

             I think I bought my dress in a size 18 W.

             When I started my journey last year I weighed 217 lbs.

             That weight, at 5'6'', gave me a BMI of 35 which put me as second category obese.

             Now, after loss, and some re-gain, the scale says 198.6 lbs, which puts me at a 32 BMI, still obese.

I don't believe BMI is the be-all end-all of body analysis, since it doesn't account for body composition (muscle weighs more than fat, and for the life of me, I can't find a BMI calculator that I can compute in the fact that, as Hubs puts it, "you have boobs"...)

             So I found my body fat percentage, currently at an estimated 35.2%. In different charts, this either falls under overweight or back to obese.

I realize I'm not huge. Well, most days I do, some days I'm not so sure. I guess I'm average, but that feels bad, too. On a particularly down day, I searched The Biggest Loser online and saw an ad that the show is looking to cast for the next season, and I saw hope. I wouldn't go so far as dreaming of winning, but I want that help. But one of the qualifiers is "If you have at least 85 pounds to lose" and as of now, losing that much would actually put me in the underweight category (can I even imagine?!)


After all this, I'll get to my point.

This is not just a diary of how long I spent and what I did at the gym, or a calorie-counting food journal. And as much as I could say that I don't care if anyone reads it, it's just therapeutic to write, I do hope someone reads this. To think I could inspire someone else, re-inspires me. I've started too many things in my life that I didn't finish because of disinterest or laziness and this won't be one of them. It can't.